Most of us, especially after last year’s pandemic lockdowns, have looked forward to seeing our loved ones this holiday season.

December is also a once-in-a-year time to celebrate family traditions. On Christmas Eve, the Italian side of my family ate homemade rectangular pizzas and watched Mass at the Vatican on TV. Now, I make tamales with my mother-in-law and watch the kids open presents.

Although my Scottish-Irish grandmother made delicious mountains of buckwheat pancakes every Christmas morning, I remember her being more about rules than traditions. I can picture her standing and exclaiming amid the chaos of plates going in all directions (and not in a perfect circle) to “only pass food to your right!” She also expected the opening of presents to encompass order and self-restraint.

One of my grandmother’s other rules was that there would be no discussions of politics or religion at the holiday table. This year, I would add that we should also not discuss COVID-19 or money. While I cannot help you if your guests debate vaccinations, mandates and masks, perhaps it is possible to avoid contentious financial discussions that could ruin the festivities.

With the business losses, evictions, the “great resignation” and inflation, discussions about money are sure to be prevalent this year. Under normal circumstances, money issues come up simply because the holidays might be the only time we see each other. After not celebrating together in 2020, siblings might feel even more inclined to discuss matters they feel are important to them.

Examples of discussions could include who owes who what (sometimes from decades ago), who received more financial support (also probably decades ago), who most deserves to stay in the family home or who would have the most to give up if they had to care for mom and dad.

The best advice to navigate these discussions is to lean on your attorney, accountant and financial planner to help avoid conflict. It surprises me how rarely clients utilize the relationships with their professionals to reduce the demands made by their families.

For example, one technique you can use is to postpone financial conversations. If, for example, a family member wants to discuss borrowing money while watching the game, you can respond, “That is something we can consider. How about you put in writing how you think it should be structured, and I can discuss it with my accountant in January.” Hopefully, that will shut them down temporarily so you can go back to watching the game in peace.

If you have a good relationship with one of your professionals, you can blame them if you do not want to participate in one of their ideas. Earlier this month, a client called me on my cell phone while visiting family members out of state, and I could tell he had me on speaker.

The client’s brother-in-law was putting pressure on him to invest in a speculative real estate deal that was not performing well. From the tone in my client’s voice and his past dealings with the brother-in-law, I knew that my client was not interested but was looking for an out. He also did not want to hurt the feelings of his beloved sister and mother.

Without being dishonest or divulging confidential information, I discussed with the client all of the issues with the investment (aside from the brother-in-law) and why it was not a suitable time to invest. I heard several “oh yeah’s” and “aahs” in agreement from the audience in the background.

The client then asked, in a positive way, if I would recommend that he gift some money to his sister to help them out financially. Fortunately, I understood this was something he would want to do, and I said I could not see any harm in making the gift. The result was that the client could escape a lousy investment while preserving his relationships in exchange for what he would consider a small amount of cash. Most professionals I know would do the same to help a good client.

Suppose you have more sophisticated issues and think you might need professional help to minimize family conflicts and ease communications. In that case, here is how you can take some of the emotions out of the equation and manage your family finances more like a business …

A “family office” is a tool that was once only available to families with tens of millions of dollars or more in wealth. It is often confused with a “home office” but is quite different. With a family office, wealthy families set up a separate business office, with professionals and staff, to manage their wealth and communicate with family members. While hiring full-time professionals and staff is not possible for most of us, you can use some of the aspects of the family office right now.

How to set up your “mini” family office will be covered in a future article, but here is the gist of how it might help you. The professional you choose to host your office, whether your lawyer, CPA or CFP, should be someone you and your family have a good relationship with, who communicates well, and who you trust. The professional may agree to help you with the following:

–Store copies of important documents on their secure client portal and make them available to other family members when you specify. (For example, you may want a family member to have access if you become incapacitated.)

–Host/mediate family meetings (in person at their office or remotely) and communicate with family members based on your directions. Sometimes, counselors, coaches, and financial educators can also be brought in to help.

–Report on financial performance.

–Coordinate services like tax preparation, estate planning, property management, eldercare services, investing, and asset protection/risk management with your other professionals.

–Work with your favorite charities to coordinate your charitable gift plans.

The most significant advantages of a family office are that it allows families to grow and preserve wealth over multiple generations and make financial decisions in an informed, pragmatic, and rational (not emotional) way.

Consider depending on your professionals to help navigate family financial dynamics in the future. In the meanwhile, hum a tune to yourself like “children laughing, people passing, meeting smile after smile” and tell any guest who wants to talk finances, Covid, politics, or religion to have another eggnog and lighten up. Discussions, worries, and great ideas can wait for the new year.

Michelle C. Herting, CPA, ABV, AEP, specializes in tax planning, trust administrations, and business valuations. She has three offices in Southern California.